You know when I was pregnant I use to think well being depressed is normal I mean I did go through a lot of shit because the Danny's father but I thought well maybe I will get over this and once I am with my family eveything is going to be all right. They are supportive and they love me. Unfortunately now I think I prefer living alone. I feel that just as much as I have support I bare burden. All I feel is guilt because they take care of Danny while I am at school. I feel sadness b/c  even if I try to have a few hours to myself I can't b/c I am a mom. They are not really willing to help like they said they were. I think they said they would help when I was pregnant so that I would feel a lilttle ease but now I have to give them a schedule and be home by a certain time or I am going to have to pay more money. Where the hell am I suppose to get this money to begin with?!?!  Yeah if I had money then I wouldn't have an issue the the reason why they are caring for my baby is because I didn't have the money to pay. NOw that is onmy back. It's so hard to see the possitive things in life when everything else tells you differently. I know many people have to go through the same thing, they have to but how do they leave with out having money. I almost feel that if I just leave they are going to be upset with me but not realizing that they are the ones that doing the internal harm. I know they don't realize that I have always been deeply emotional or the fact that I am depressed. They just think other things and it's sad. My mom told me she can't trust me. She told me that ever since I had Danny even I want to do something I can't b/c I am a mom. She was like I don't know if you're out there having sex, like I am some kind of a fuckin whore to be sleeping around. So I make one lil bad choice and the world fall on me. And pissed me off more was the fact that last night she told your sister goes out does whatever she wants because she has no commitment, only she has are her cats and babies are not like cats. Well no fuckin shit. I wish I could say that I agree with the fact that my sis likes to go out. She goes out to stay away from all this shit. She has always done whatever she pleases b/c she doesn't care what they say, she'll do it anyways. She was my mom's favorite I know! She told me if you were single without a chikd you could doing the same( BULLSHIT!!!). I don't believe that for nothing. I have never been allowed to go out, clubbing. The only reason I was even let out before is because I had a boyfriend. They have consistantly tried to shelter me and not allow to me to experience nothing. Well how the fuck am I suppose to know that she was saying the truth when all my life I have been treated different. All their responsibilies they put on my back. Oh Reyna can you do this payment for me, today is the deadline.  You know I love my parents to death but I can't wait to leave so that they realize that they need me and that they abused a lot of the things. Yeah I didn't have a job this summer I still took my mom everywhere and she hardly pitched in for gas. I am suppose to take them places, to their payments, and now school and work on top of their shit. Nah I think I almost prefer being on the streets to this point .I ask God to give me some strength. I really do need it. Being a single mother with supportive yet very unsupportive parents is like living in a small hell, you just can't get away from. I have been in Hell for the past hmmm I don't know know 10 years. Tell me did they even know that I was depressed, no never noticed. How about 8 years ago when we moved here. They didn't know I was depressed, that I had some issues at school, In '99 when I started high school they didn't know that I was suicidal and very upset with this world. in '00 or '01 they didn't know I did weird thing and then at that point was when I found a boyfriend and he helped me find myself. He was my support system by lover, my bestfriend. In '03,04 when my relationship was pretty much over;I was a cutter, they weren't about pain, they felt better than sex, it was pleasurable to see blood trikle out, I bet they my parents didn't know about this either. You know I notice that they just go on life doing what betters their life but forget about everybody me. I am the one that needs them but has never really had them their. They think they are for me but no to me they have never been there. I don't know how bad my depressions were in the past but I knwo they were not fun... I hate being alone with no support. What did I do besides having my baby that made them treat me like this. I can't even tell them what I feel because then I Am going to feel guilty about how they feel about my situation.Then it's going to be my fault all over again. See my cousin Vicky mentioned that I might have PostPatum Depression and I refused for a few months to believe it but I am thinking I do and it's starting to get worse. Yeah I know I don't show it when I am around a lot of people. But my insides tells me I'm dying, very slowly dying, or just losing the will to want to live anymore. SOmetimes I think my baby would e better off without me and that would teach my parents to stop talking b/c I wouldn't be here. WOuld they appreaciate me more if I was gone or would they feel I am more of a burden b/c I die... I don't think it's right to feel that way because  I have such a beautiful baby whom I love to death. I just bared a child for 9 months, fought for his life so that his father didn't kill him and now I am trying to fight my own battle against myself to keep myself alive for my Danny. There is times when I just see my self putting my car so I can cause a huge accident, or run off something.... You know that is not normal. I might be developing mild postpatum psychosis... Everybody tends to see me very serious and in some cases very strong but I just can't. I have fought so hard and as much as I fight I feel I get pushed to the floor more and more. My first day of classes my fam was already complaining. Is taking care of Danny such a burden, then tell me no and I will find a way. I almost think it would have been more supported for them to kick me out than making stay with them...  I am juat one girl , one mother, the oldest daughter, with so many emotional issues... When I was suffering during my pregnancy my mother knew a lil and would make me feel better telling me that he was no good, I guess that was the only support I felt but now I have the baby and it's ok to BAsh Reyna she doesn't have feelings. She'll take our advice and warnings and just live life by our rules I don't have feelings, call me fat everyweek. Tell me I have to loose weigh b/c I wont be found attractive, tell me that, tell me that I am only going to find a stepfather for my baby and Danny is never going to be happy. I Am never going to be happy Tell me alll fo that. Tell me that because I am a music major I wont amount to anything. I don't have a future unless I do what you did... Well I have been told all of that. Yeah ok, so I am fat how the hell am I suppose to get motivation if that is all I hear, Then she tells me well you need motivation b/c you wont do anything at all, well thanks mom with you motivation fuck having enemies put me down. I think I would far too strong for anybody to mess with me after you. But then again will I survive you???
Yeah so life is not fair. I don't have to be a genius to realize that. I have known that my whole life and so far I have been able to own pretty much everything of mine. I thnk I have accomplished quite a bit and then here comes my brother's asking for everything. Well what I want is for them to be more contiences of what is going on. Just like I knew all their problems at 11 and knew out financial status well I suggest they get informed also. They are fuckin 14 a year older than the age I was when we moved to Fontana and they yet don't know half of the stuff I knew back then. Then again they have many friends, my sister always had friends as well. I was social outcast that had to work hard for mine. It wasn't easy, let me tell, I struggled so much because of loneliness, lack of friends. I had nobody to hang out with. It wasn't like I could go sit with people I didn't know and just appear with them. I was always to weird for them. They didn't deserve me anyways. What am I going to live for if not my son? I need help so I can be there for him. I am trying not to let go of reality but sometimes it's so hard. I wish I could lock my room door and not let body in, just stay in there in darkness and relax, ignoring everything!!!! I am so tired, my head hurt, my eyes are so puffy I could barely keep them open, I am cold, and I feel pain, I am just so so sad....

So I don't know why but I feel really confused. I love my son and I know I am a great mother and I know I can't live without him but I don't think I am a suitable mother. It's not like my life has changed but like everybody makes me feel, it feels like he should be more with my parents. I don't know but they make it seem like I do nothing for him and I did was be with him which really confused me a whole lot. I am tried of getting low blows throw at me. What can't they realize that I am already feeling depressed. I am sur ethey don't know and ultimately who cares if they do anymore. I don't know, actually never cared. I know my life has a plan and I don't know what it is but I am tired of waiting. I just want my own plaxce to be happy and have my husband so that I can get mad at his bad habits and die old and happy. BUt I know, life isn't like that. Dreams never come true but nightmares do. What is it about us being unhappy that makes who ever's in change happy. There is too much misery inthis pitiful world. Sometimes I think that some would be better off death than suffer this much. I can't even step up to those who are in Iraq and have seen and been in so much suffering. I prooly would have kiiled myself already instead of having to suffer emotionally. It's horrible! And to think that I complain about my worthless life. You know anytime I have a lil bit of money I do give to bum but then I think I am debt. I am just as bad or worse but I have my car and baby, does that make rich? I dont' know I am too tired of thinking. I am too tired of life. Somrtimes I wish I was in a psych ward and I could just be there by myself with no worried. But I like tv so that wouldn't work. What would I do....
You see I am not happy one bit at all. I don't know what the cause of my unhappyness is? I mean on the 29th of september it's going to be 2 years sonce I broke up with Arturo. Can this have something to do with it?? His gf ana just put on her profile fiancee could I could almost assume that they got engaged on her b-day. But why would this affect me personally? Oh wait can it be because I have his son. Can I actuallystill have feelings for this guys that can't give me anthing but despair. Why am I unhappy, why? I wish somebody could answer me. See all I want to do is get married and be happy. I want myown home. I just want to be out of my parents. Can that be so much to ask for. I didn't think so but apparently it is. Misery...

So now I am realizing that I was getting lust (a little) and thanks to Saturday I was able to stop it. B. Called me today and was trying to be all sweet and I pretty much blew him off. I felt  bad when but when you don't feel like anything. I told him to call me back to I could supposedly put the baby to sleep but I was eating and I didn't feel like talking. I know he says he wants me but I don't want anything any more. I mean I really want to meet him in person so we get to know each other but I think what is going to happen is that, well it's complicated. I am going to have it all ligit  otherwise he can forget anything is going to happen. I always wanted a romantic guy and all that comes with it. I know eventually sex comes along but I am going to make him wait and realize that just b/c I have a kid doesn't mean I am easy or willing to give myself to him just b/c we are talking. I not going to look up to a guy. It's going to be equal and I am not going to be sunmissive anymore. I have power also. And he is proving that I have more than what I thought I did. Yeah so he is going to get mad but I don't care b/c it's not like he is my boyfriend or anything. We are just talking and that is it. Besides I am beginning to tell that that I might not like him after all. We have talkd for a month but he hasn't made an effort to see me it's more like he's trying to have sex but things dont work like that. I am a changed woman. If some thought I was mean well I am nicer. But like my ex just told me the other day I am a little bitchier but not in a bad way just in a protective way. So people deal!!!

so I am back after like over 4 months and yeah Danny is almost 9 months and I have spent the last 4 months with him and I am about to leave in a week to school. So many things have change since the last time I wrote.
Ok so Danny does have a half brother, Raymond Anthony Schmidt, and he just turned 4 months on the 20th. Well I started talking to My ex's girl and she is pretty cool. We seem to enjoy each other when we are talking over aim. I remember just hating her but I guess we got over ourselves. I think it will be good for our kids at the end. I will admit when I went to go pick her up to go get our babies to take pictures I was still a little angry but once we started talking everything was going alright. I guess we'll see how our life turns out at the end, right? We all have destinys and only time will tell. So I don't  really have any more feeling for my ex, I learn to start coping with that slowly I guess. Well When I started talking to her he seems like a total different person and well it still nice talking to her.
So I started talking to a new guy... and well I am starting to have my doubts. ... so that's all you get. for now

so....

yup. So I have my strong feelings for this one person. I know nothing will ever come out of it but they are there.And no it's not my ex.Even before I had my baby I knew that nothing could be. We are to similar people in different pages in a book that probably will never meet. I know I can't complain, I have a baby and I need to dedicate all my time with him but it's still hard. At least it is not as bad here in Redlands as it was in high where you saw a swarm of couples everywhere. Although as I notice now, couples are actually starting to hold hands and make their relationship noticeable and it makes me long for it. All I want is that feeling of happiness when you talk to them over the phone or when you get to see them that one hug that you wish could last forever. I just want somebody that likes to watch any movies and is happy, that somebody that is comfortable enough to just give me a kiss in the cheek. I know everybody will say you are young , yeah I am only 21, true and that is what they use to tell me before. When I finally found somebody that said he really loved me, after 3 years dumped me twice for other girls. I was in love... and it hurt deeply. He was the one person that was not like that and nobody would have expected that. Now I have my baby, who looks like him. Maybe the appearance of my baby, although, adorable, might be a punishment for helping him cheat on his new gf. Yeah I am not proud of it but I would never regret it or take it back. Sometimes we would just talk and hang out, it was as if he was a different person. I saw a different side it was nice because we bacame friends and then when the baby was born I started to despised him. He says he loves his baby yet he never comes and sees him. He is about to have another baby this month and it makes me think that if he barely sees his baby now when he has another he for sure will forget about us.We were each other's first love but at the end he said it was only puppy love after 3 years and after 4 I had a  baby, :( . He has only been with his new gal for a year and a half , half of what we went through and he has a kid and is living will this girl. Actually theyu moved in together after like 6 months. I know the baby and I still have a big life ahead of us but I know that I would like a person that would love my son and I and not grow in my face that I have a son before him , you know what I mean? There are a lot of people out there but you know what also. I am not willing to meet people unless they are in my path already. I hate meeting guys. Honestly the first thing that comes to my head when I meet somebody is, they want sex. Although I know it's not true I just get creaped out. I hate that process. I guess that has always been my problem. I should have let him been kicked out of band, I should have never protected all of this wrong doings, I should have just let it be maybe then I would not have had to deal with this emptiness and cope with a baby while doing homework, or the worry if my baby is ok when I am at school all day. My baby is growing every single day and I only see him at morning, night and weekends. Yet I know that is not going to change because I need to find a job so I can support myself and him. My goal I guess is to be able to provide but also be provided for. I want to move out, I wish I could get married to a right chose and we could start our lifes just right. I want my simple dream in real life. I don't think it's too much to ask for, it's not . I feel like my baby and I are at least entitled to some happiness. I feel like if the baby's father will not be there: I am going to take child support out and move so I can make my life better.Take any benefits away, who deserves rights if they are never going to use them. Besides the baby has the right to see his father but if he wont see him them my baby also has the right to an peaceful life.I Don't want to hear him say, " Is daddy ever going to come and see me?", "Why doesn't he come mommy?", " Did I do something wrong?" , "Does he hate me?". How sad would be explaining to you little boy that daddy is very busy right now hun, we will come and see you when he done with all his work. Then years pass I get blamed for it and then he loves his father for not being there and hates me for taking it all away. Yeah I don't know. Loving my sons to death is probably the most rewarding thing because I go home and when he sees me the pushes himself my way. He hugs me, smiles, giggles, starts to play and tell me how his day went,of course we can understand him b/c he 4 months but to him just that ear means the world.I guess I feel like a baby.I want what he has with me but I want a partner. Just like all parents I am not going to tel my baby my problems b/c then he will be worried and we like them to not have to worry about grow up problems just like out parents did when we were little. Although I learned about all issues when I was like 12 I remember being constantly depressed as a kid b/c I had my own social problems and on top I had others. There has always been too much in my head. It's always there. It seems like it all commulates and the pile  just gets bigger and more and more issues my head just can forget. They all start in 5th grade well actually 4th grade.Well that is a story of a different day...   

so I am back once again. I don't even know why, I guess it's a good thing that nbody reads these things anymore,lol. I am in such a rut that I don't know what to do. I have a philosophy presentation with a partner tomorrow and we have not met yet. Ok so you say why don't you call her and find time to meet. Well my dilema stands in the part where I do not know who is or what she looks like. I saw once in class last thursday where I gave her my name and e-mail adress. I know I didn't get to see her face very well. I don't know what to do. I emailed my teacher and haven't heard from him. I am scared because he said that I have to do well in the last assignments to get a semi descent grade. What am I to do ? Well I guess I will prepare whatever and just go and present, that is all I could do. So why do I face just obsticles in life, I don't know but I hope that regardless of them I will still get out of college.I just want to graduate and be out...is that too much to ask for. I am sorry I suck at english because it's not my first language. I am sorry I write mediocre but I was getting A's in my papers. I am sorry I didn't have any money to get tutor to teach exactly what I needed for college but do I have to get penalized because I try hard...trying is not good enough I know. I am sorry I am mexican. I am sorry that I come from immigrant parents that love me and want me to succeed in this country. I am sorry I am a single mom and want the best for my child just as my parents wanted of me. Well what else can I be sorry about. I am sorry I was born , I went to college, I play the clarinet, that I am a music major. I don't know.... Listing all of that is just life to me.I am not sorry of all of that. That is what I am proud of. So what if I cannot speak or write english right ? That doesn't really take anything from me. life is life and it's a precious thing . I am greatful and feel sorry for those that hate it.

 
I can't figure out what is wrong with me but it wont go away. My head hurts really bad and my eyes just seem to be linking like a faucet that you just cant fix. It hard when you really have no one to talk to. You do but you don't. It's always the same issue and people get tired of hearing the same thing over and over which makes it hard to speak b/c I just can't learn or get over it. I know it's not the same thing but it involves the same issue and well that in itself has made my life a living hell. Can life be shaped by the unhappiness you bring others and the happiness they bring you or is it by the happiness you bring some and the unhappiness everybody causes you ? I don't know life right now but it does not make sense, I see my beautiful baby and I wonder " God, why did you bring such a beautiful trasure of mine into the cruel painful world of life" Life is so cruel to start a precious jewel into its path of sticky, unremovable, life shaping dirt. We have each other until death do us apart but we are both too young. Life, she seems too like to play with me. I see her game and I am not the only one that plays. We are her pupets of jokes. Her games consists of life challenges that in the out run you become apathy to anything else. She teaches you that if you feel you are week? Hmm... Are emotions really considered weak? Is that the reason most guys have apathy to a crying woman. Or is it their strong feelings that makes him show a woman that feeling should be express in different forms and that way they wont get hurt. Are guys just trying to teach us or do they just pretend to be listening for us to feel better? I am not put down the male figure because females are have a lot of weeknesses they try and hide. Although not apparent to all , I wont give it away. Where would the mistery of a relationship be? You know it's that mistery to finding new things about you person the key a beautiful relationship. By that I don't mean keeping secrets. We shouldn't let ourselves go once we have them we should work even harder to impress them. If we don't impress them there are million of woman that have the possibility of doing it for you. I think that love after so many many years or being together, the relationship just becomes a habit and a routine. When you are older and you start to change or you finally move away from you parents house and you are finally really on your own, do you not feel something gone.
I know I just jumped into so many things but it cleared my head a little although it didn't take my headache away. I am thinking that I am going to put all my feelings out. All my crap is pretty much out ...  I don't think there is a person who doesn't relate or isn't the same way. I am going to combine my feelings , life turns, diaries, dreams I've had, and Xanga. I wonder how long this will take me. Although I feel I will be judged in diferent eyes but I don't know good or bad but I guess I don't have to be an english major to express what was written and meant many years ago.